I’ve held off commenting about the guy the 54-year-old lady massage therapist called “a crazed sex poodle,” the forty-fifth vice president of the United States, Al Gore.
Sex-crazed sex poodle he may be but he’s still boring. It shows you how wrong you can be in politics. If anybody qualifies for the title of “crazed sex poodle” is would be Bill Clinton: not Gore. In fact I can’t fathom a man who looks less like a crazed sex poodle. Oh wait. I can. David Souter has all the wanton passion of a gerbil. People used to say he’s gay because he is a bachelor and lives even today in the heart of the New Hampshire woods with his mother. I don’t think so. There are some people born without the vital juices, vital fluids that propel them to women: they’re not gay…but not unlike a bottle of 7-Up that’s been uncorked too long and ran out of fizz.Initially I had two thoughts about Gore.
Here’s the first. When he announced he was splitting from Tipper after 40 years this is what I told myself in time-honored 1940s Chicago idiom:
Listen, when a guy ditches his wife after that long a time, there’s got to be a tootsie involved. That’s what I still think. And I’ll bet it’s Laurie David, the ex-wife of Larry, who steered Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth to the screen and got him an award for it. At the Academy Awards, she looked up at him with that adulation that sickens me. Utterly nauseates me. But then I’m not a sex poodle. She’s a middle-aged type with a deep Hollywood tan: no looker but a fine set of choppers. Yet…shallow as a pie tin. She really believes this stuff about global warming and saving the planet.
The second thought I had was this: I doubted the masseuse’s tale because I thought she was trying to make some money off a purely spurious association…either blackmail…pay me $1 million or I’ll tell…or sell the story to The Enquirer for $1 million.
Now I’ve started to be persuaded that the masseuse can be on the level. For one thing, Gore has confirmed that his 2006 schedule shows he did arrange for her services in Oregon. He’s so goofy he would try to become the Leader of the Free World he never made… and order her to do things no 54 year old self respecting woman would be asked to do.
Here’s how I rationalize it. Gore was a strange one to begin with. Remember when he debated Bush and while Bush was making his statement, Gore walked up and stood next to him? That was the weirdest event in presidential debates I ever saw. Bush looked sidewise at him and said Hello! Can I help you!
Just calculate how tough it is to lose any election…but especially one where you’ve defeated your opponent in popular votes. You must have to rationalize it over and over. What could I have done to carry just a handful of electoral votes more than I got? And especially Tennessee? You drive your wife crazy with the “what if’s” Tipper has a depression neurosis anyhow and hearing this over and over…maybe in bed in the middle of the night…is likely more than she could take. She probably said:Listen, goddamit, what’s past is past, you got me?
But that’s not what he wants to hear. He wants to hear this:
Sweet love, you are indeed the most intellectual and astute leader of this planet. I really think you’re second only to Jesus Christ. No wait a minute! You’re ahead of Christ! You’ve passed Him up! You’re Number One. He came here to save people with the qualification that they BELIEVE. You are striving to save the planet without qualification…whether the people on it believe you or not. You are a man of destiny, vision! No without a doubt you’re greater than Christ. I feel it. I know it!
There is no wife who would say this because her tongue would stick to the roof of her mouth. But a tootsie would say it. Get me? Once she becomes his No. 2 wife she’d drop it but for now? Yeah.
Just yesterday Gore spoke to 2,200 corporate human resource people in San Diego…but he took no questions. I think his choice of an audience is strange. Human Resource people in corporations are those who you get sent to if in the estimation of your boss you need anger management…or if he’s had a complaint about your attitude or over-friendliness to women. Probably each of the 2,200 were sitting there no concentrating on global warming at all but speculating about this guy’s case management.
Talk about boring: that interminable Senate Judiciary session with Elena Kagan was stultifying. But I don’t know why somebody doesn’t bring those sessions to life.
By asking her this question:
Mme. Solicitor General…are you a lesbian?
The reason I’m asking you is this. You have been identified with gay, lesbian, transgender issues for years…and you came to prominence as Dean of the Harvard Law School by fighting military recruiters come to your campus because you regard the military’s adherence to “Don’t ask, don’t tell” as an insult to gay closeted recruits. I will say parenthetically that you fought the military in this case unjustly because as a Law School Dean you should know that the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” rule came from the Congress and was signed into law by Bill Clinton for whom you worked in the White House. Now your president is trying to end that qualification and make mandatory the fullest of expression of gay people who want to join the military.
I take it you support him in this…the goal to encourage people to come out of the closet. For that reason I’m asking you to come out of the closet—if in fact you are in the closet. You can tell us.
If it makes sense for people joining the military to declare whether or not they’re gay…it should make even more sense for people appointed to the U. S. Supreme Court for a lifetime term.
Thus I ask again: Are you a lesbian? You’re 50 years old and single. Not known for dating men. When news of your appointment to the Court came out, a CBS reporter blurted out on the wire that your appointment would be the outing for a self-declared lesbian Justice. Now the White House has denied you’re one but I think you should declare whether you are or not.
And before you respond: Let me tell you that a woman friend of yours…a former college roommate…said a remarkable thing. She said that you are not a lesbian but that you are so concerned about hurting the feelings of gays and lesbians that you don’t want to declare you are not which can be assumed by them that you are distancing yourself from them. This I must say is an extraordinary rationalization but at this hearing we have been dancing around the central issue here. And it has to do with your own sexual orientation.
You say with stunning untruth, let me say, that you did not try to block military recruiting at Harvard. You most certainly did and you know you did. The only thing that called you off was the threat that Harvard would be penalized from receiving federal funds if the blockade went through. So you compromised and used the Harvard Veterans group to sponsor it. And this answer you gave earlier about not wanting to entertain a discrimination that is not consonant with Harvard’s own anti-bias rulings is bunk. Total bunk. You backed off and let the Veterans group handle it because you didn’t want to take the heat for Harvard’s losing its federal funds.
That being said…I invite you to tell us now:
Are you a lesbian?
Are you a practicing lesbian?
If you are a lesbian how you can rule on the Court concerning issues affecting gays and lesbians when you stand to benefit from such rulings as a lesbian? I eagerly await your answer.