Wednesday, July 5, 2006

And It Came to Pass that Saint Obama Told His Party There is a Vaguely Attractive Way to Make Use of Religion: And Mr. Cruickshank Agreed

[Fragments from the “Here and Now Newest Testament” to be discovered four hundred years hence in the rubble of the Apparel Mart wherein remnants of a long-forgotten tabloid called the Sun-Times were unearthed].

And in those days it came to pass that a tall, angular man by the name of Barack Obama, His eyes closed in prayer at strategic times, came to exhort multitudes who looked to Him as a possible liberal Democratic political savior. Before He had ascended to the senatorial mount, He had been among them and they knew Him slightly and disdained Him when He ran against Bobby Rush, saying, “He is not a man of the people like Bobby” and defeated Him. And when He ran for the U. S. Senate nomination, many scoffed but others stayed. Then it came to pass that the leader of the group, Blair Hull, was sorely embarrassed by disclosure of a divorce record wherein it said that he had struck his wife on the shin in order to get her to stop punching him but she made the shin-strike public which enabled Blair to donate to her some of the treasure of his work, twenty thousand drachms of gold and two thousand two hundred pounds of silver but this was not enough. So she continued to bewail and he lost the primary. And thus the Democratic party electorate said unto Barack Obama, Arise, bless the Lord your God and make a case for yourself as the future Senator.

And Barack Obama arose and many white liberals and all the blacks along with the media afflicted by guilt for past misdeeds of prior generations sought to gain absolution from this man and they elected him to the Senate. And from that day onward He needed to say little of significance, just mouth the usual platitudes but because of this and in particular because he was civil and un-angry, Democrats saw in Him a man to save them from the hands of their enemies. They noted there was a slight twist to his words that made him sound different from the multitude of other liberals. A black man, he would give ever-so-slight emphasis on patriotism and godly manners: with the result that he sounded somewhat conservative but acceptably so: thus they hailed him. His address to the Democratic convention in 2004 was no more unusual than had it been given by others at different times but it had a tad of conservatism that caused favorable reaction—as the thought that we are not divided by race but united as Americans.

Because it was not liberalism-filled but merely relativism with no obligations placed thereto on conduct or belief, it would sound cliché-filled if delivered by a white. But liberals seized on these words that were said by a black man, ceasing their mourning and sorrow and were turned to mirth and joy, believing that these should be days of feasting and gladness in which they should send one to another portions of the taxes of the bedeviled rich from which should be given gifts to the poor. Amen, they said, Obama has occupied and commands the center.

And in Chicago both newspapers saw in His words things that had never been perceived and promulgated them widely so that the people who had thought the words banal re-read them and said, “Behold since the newspapers think them significant, who are we to deny?” So His words became as seen anew and regarded as Deep. And had they come from a Bush they would have been dismissed as banal but since they came from one who should be expected to mouth extreme liberalism as his colleague Dick Durbin had uttered to everyone’s unutterable tedium, they said: “Listen to Him! He has expressed words that may have been said often but that He says them at this time when we are looking for a political Savior, He should be recognized.”

Then speaking from in Washington a convocation of the Trinity United Church of Christ in a gathering of the National City Christian Church, Barack Obama told the gathering of Democrats that they need to repair to God and the people cheered and said, “Behold, He is right. The enemy, those who go regularly to church as most of our people do not, are the stronger and the polls which say those who go often to church tend to vote for the enemy show those who have defended the right of innocent unborn are lording it over us who believe unborn life can be discarded at the whim of the mother, but who are they to be so high and mighty and get elected while we have not been? They who hail abortion as a sacrament should not be disparaged by those who don’t for those who don’t are hypocrites: they must sin as much as we. Therefore we need not change our ways but merely get a new leader who will get us in good with the Lord who in turn will lift up all that fall and sit up all that are cast down.” They cried: “let all hear His words!”

For to them His words conveyed a thrilling relativism but with a tad of mild conservatism to them. But it was the relativism that convinced them he was humble. Written down by a Ms. Falsani of the Sun-Times, herself a relativist, He said: “…I’m not somebody who is always comfortable with language that implies I’ve got a monopoly on the truth, or that my faith is automatically transferable to others” which caused great joy among the liberals who did not subscribe to absolutes since this made them feel comfortable in doing what they wanted without guilt. Further to Ms. Falsani He said, “I think that religion at its best comes with a big does of doubt. I’m suspicious, too, of too much certainty in the pursuit of understanding.” This they took as enlightenment and they gathered unto Him.

He told them, “I think I have an ongoing conversation with God. Throughout the day I’m constantly asking myself questions about what I’m doing, why I am doing it.” And they who love one asking questions instead of one who prescribes answers were pleased with Him. For they dislike all who say they have religious answers. Thus they were enamored of Him who celebrated that He had doubts and questions, not answers.

Wisely, though, He gave conservatives small concessions that were seen a magnanimous such as his view that it is permissible to say the Pledge of Allegiance and still refer to God and that when a gang-banger kills someone “there is a hole in his heart that government programs along cannot fix.” The liberals cheered immediately and said this man is proof we are not a cursed seed which is fated to lose elections to time immemorial on social issues because of angry black militants crying out or by secularists decrying religiosity. They said among themselves, “truly this man can win by not conceding much to the religionists but merely seeming to do so. Let us therefore ride with him because we cannot gain victory frontally as all despise our views.”

Then there rose up one Lynn Sweet, chief political scribe of the Democratic newspaper of record in Chicago whose views were unashamed and never separated from the flow of the news—a laudable practice. And she wrote of her evident boredom with those who stress merely the Ten Commandments when they talk of religion and not “the morality of budget choices Congress makes every day” and she wrote of them who hailed Him as Savior of the Democratic party which to her was all-encompassing. Thereupon she promoted His forthcoming book called by an intriguingly vague title which means anything one wishes to all men but of particular value to intellectuals who pose with forefinger deep to cheek in furrowed-brow thought, the title of which is The Audacity of Hope, about which some asked among themselves “the Audacity of Hope? What does this mean?” To which they were told, shut up: it means this man will get elected. Whereupon they were satisfied and did shut up. And hoped very much.

Thereupon to prove the point that Barack Obama intended to run for president, His press secretary came forth and said that this was not the truth but “the speech reflects His desire to welcome more people of faith to into the Democratic party. Viewing this speech—and everything Barack does—through an `08 lens does a disservice to the message of the speech and His work in the Senate.” Those words caused those in the know to say yea, yea, He is running because His spokesman has so eloquently denied it.

And all the while others exulted saying, “His words are free of the hard strictures which involve the salvation of innocent lives from abortion or the repugnance of homosexuality which we say is a physical condition and they a sin. It is the style and pleasantness of the speaker that blurs all unpleasantness, hear ye Him!” And so He continued: “We first need to understand that Americans are a religious people, 90 percent of us believe in God…I believe in keeping guns out of our inner cities and that our leaders must say so in the face of the gun manufacturers’ lobby but I also believe that when a gang-banger shoots indiscriminately into a crowd because he feels somebody disrespected him we have a problem with morality…”

And they cried out as if no one had ever conceived that before, crying out “Huzza! He says what we have heard but now hear again with new ears because it is comforting to hear banal words often uttered by the non-thinking now uttered by a freshman Senator who may become the man to get middle American votes to become our president and install us in the thrones of power.” And they declared further: “That this man is black is significant because he is of a different, more moderate political hue than his more demonstrative fellows such as Charlie Rangel and others.” And Saint Obama continued: “No matter how religious they are or may not be, people are tired of seeing faith used as a tool to attack and belittle and divide, they’re tired to hearing folks deliver more screed than sermon!” By which he meant horrid traditional moral absolutes which had made the liberals feel downcast. But now his words gave them new hope.

So they hailed Him, thinking when someone black who sounds this good says it, it is different than when others including those who are white say it and perhaps this may trump those who have been using social issues against us and depriving us of our rightful inheritance of power. He will cause our enemies to be cowed and not use against us that we are the party of abortion, that we—and He—will fight against confirmation of judges that may spare unborn life. Verily, He will lay asunder all the divisions that have come upon us and He will change the subject to who will support the fatherless and the widow and the ways of sinners will soon be seen as that of those who dare to assume they are better than we! And when they attack him verbally it will be seen as an attack on his race no matter how they say it so our liberal cause will be advantaged.

And so in those days at the Sun-Times, the publisher John Cruickshank caused to be issued an editorial in the department headed by scribe Steve Huntley who in turn commissioned the publisher’s wife by the name of Jennifer Hunter, a feminist, to write an editorial that would proclaim that with the righteousness already expressed by Saint Obama and that through the newspaper’s support of same-sex marriage and abortion on demand, there is a higher morality which is malleable to accommodate exigencies at one particular time and not the next. And Cruickshank ordered, “Thus let not the conservatives defeat us because of what we support but let us espouse this man’s style because it supplies a tad—just a tad—of conservative-sounding rhetoric. But it is relativistic religion for good purpose.” And Huntley agreed, saying, “Righto! Let it an editorial be done.” And Ms. Hunter set immediately to work and completed it.

And so Jennifer Hunter wrote and it was published that religion should apply also to the Democratic party. And those who had cast about for a way to get out of the trick bag with strings drawn tight in a noose because of liberals’ own invention thought they may be saved by an earnest-appearing young black man. Thus they were filled with the hope that those who were deceived electorally in past years may be mis-led again by the same devices that beguiled their ancestors, with words like New Deal, Fair Deal, New Frontier and Great Society. And they believed He would be spared from criticism because to do so would invite retaliation that the enemy was racist. Racism was one remaining crime that liberals had not excused as choice, the one crime that shrank from hurled accusation of its name.

Therefore, with Him protesting He was not a candidate, Saint Barack Obama was led to the Here, unfortunately, the fragment breaks off but you can devise the end for yourself can you not? Try on Reader’s Response.

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